Ahh, broke food. You guys know what I’m talking about… The food that provides precious nourishment when you’ve only got a buck in your pocket.

1) Macaroni and Cheese. First of all, I don’t mean Velveeta or the kind you get at a fancy restaurant like Denny’s. Even Kraft can be a little pricey when you’re truly broke. I’m talking about store brand, 25-cents-a-box mac and cheese; the kind with the teeny macaroni and a paper package of “cheez” powder. Oh, and let’s not forget how scrumptious it is when you can’t afford milk or butter. YUM! Nothing like grainy, watery mac and cheese to stave off the hunger demons.

Discussion Question: Ever notice that it turns ice-cold in the 30 seconds between the stove and the plate?

2) Ramen Noodles. Let’s be clear here, too. Not Oodles of Noodles that come in a cup with little mummified vegetables, and not what you get at your local Golden Dragon Garden Bamboo Wok Panda Szechuan Express, either. I’m referring here to bricks of dried-up noodles that come 36 to a case for $3.89. That’s right! With only 11 cents, 2 cups of water, and a heat source, you too can experience the culinary delight that can only come from a bowl of cheap 12-foot noodles. This is probably the best Broke Food of them all.

Jag’s Tip of the Day: Prior to adding water, a package of ramen can be used to bludgeon a threatening individual, such as a burglar or Robert Blake. Jagre recommends peaceful resolutions to home invasions, however, because if you’re really broke your worldly possessions usually consist of an old mattress placed directly on the floor, several bottle opener keychains, and that couch you found sitting next to a dumpster.

3) McDonald’s 39-cent Hamburger Special. I’m not sure if they still do this, but back when I was a starving bachelor McDonald’s used to run this special every Wednesday. A little pricey for the truly broke, but if you order 20 and stick ‘em in the freezer, you always have a special meal when you want to treat yourself, or if you’re making a fancy dinner for a date. Nothing says romance like composite meat on composite bread.

4) Condiments. Things like pasta and rice can make excellent broke meals because you can buy 50-pound sacks of each for about a dime. But without a lot of help from the condiment family, plain pasta and rice taste like feet. No broke man should be without a healthy supply of things like French’s mustard, A1, Worstershire sauce, garlic, parmesan cheese, and a drawer full of ketchup packets liberated from Wendy’s. Broke women often cook with things called “spices” but I think “spices” are one of those myths perpetuated by females, like that sensitive, compassionate, tidy boyfriend they all say they had in college. (Trust me, ladies. That guy was gay.)

5) Hot Dogs. Again, here I’m referring to the local store brand hot dog, not something upscale like Oscar Mayer. A good package of 10 or 12 can be had for less than 2 bucks. I know they say that hot dogs are made from all the scraps laying around the meat plant, which I can only assume include earlobes, lips, sphincters, scalps, and noses. But you’re broke, and beggars can’t be choosers.

6) Truck Pizza. This might just be a local thing, so forgive me if you’ve got no clue what I’m talking about (I get that a lot). About once a month, this dude in a freezer truck used to come around and try to sell us boxes of meat. To a starving young man and his two equally starving roommates, a box of meat sounds pretty damn good. But even as young and stupid as we were, there was something iffy about buying a box of meat off the back of a truck, especially with so many local pets mysteriously missing. But this guy also had pizza kits for $20. Each kit had the ingredients for 5 really bad pizzas, and they had to be cooked to very delicate specifications, cuz an overcooked Truck Pizza can easily double as a trashcan lid or manhole cover.

7) Bar Food. The secret to Happy Hour in DC is that many city bars have a free all-you-can-eat buffet or 10-cent Buffalo wings as long as you’re drinking, and it’s really amazing how even the truly broke can find a few bucks for beer, isn’t it? There’s no food like free food, especially when it’s under a broken heat lamp and has been touched by 30 guys who have all made several bathroom trips. Bon Apetit!

Tags: cheap food, happy hour, pizza kit, hot dogs, condiments, mcdonald’s, ramen, mac and cheese